


Hush and Precious Silence

by moodymarshmallow



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, Coming of Age, F/M, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Teen Angst, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-02
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-16 21:42:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/866917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moodymarshmallow/pseuds/moodymarshmallow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Kaidan Alenko accidentally causes the death of General Vyrnnus, he wants nothing more than to be left alone in silence and forgotten. </p><p>Mona Shepard won't let that happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I.

The facility at Jump Zero was built with the kind of haste that only necessity could demand. The buildings themselves were either prefab or military surplus, the latter only slightly more tolerable than the former, though both lacked any sort of comfort. Jump Zero was half dormitory, half training camp, and to the young biotics--some no older than twelve--it was no better than a prison.

Rooms were small, holding no more than two biotics at a time, and made of cold metal walls, the beds and desks attached with solid welds. The ventilation was so poorly constructed that it was possible to hear conversation in adjacent rooms, though the most common noises were the moans and sobs of those suffering from implant induced migraines. Doors were always unlocked unless instructors called for a total lockdown, and some of them were touchy, sliding up and open whenever someone so much as looked at them funny, making privacy a precious commodity.

Luckily for Kaidan Alenko, the door to his room was well behaved. When it slid open with a hush of compressed air, it was always because someone wanted it to. This protection against accidental invasions of privacy made it easier for him to avoid the other biotics after Vyrnnus' death. In the last week he'd had no visitors other than psychiatrists and doctors; otherwise his door remained firmly closed.

But solitude did not shield him from the whispering campaign. It did not prevent him from hearing his name bouncing off cold metal walls, racing down the halls and seeping through the poorly installed ventilation shafts. The others spoke it low, hissing, under hushed breaths, as if they were referring to something poisonous or reverent, neither of which he wanted to be.

It took nine days for someone to come looking for him and when it happened he was so startled that all he did was blink numbly at the square of fluorescent hallway light spilling into his room. The visitor in his doorway was a feminine silhouette, slim and tall with long legs and thick, curved hips, standing tentative just outside, one hand on the doorjamb. The hope that it was Rahna was short lived but intense, clutching his stomach and knotting it up before releasing it in sick, shivering disappointment. Rahna was shorter, softer, and her hair had long grown into gentle, shoulder length waves since getting her implant. The woman at the door had closely shorn hair that was just starting to grow out into an attractive, if not somewhat boyish pixie cut. As his eyes adjusted to the light he began to recognize her, but only as someone he'd seen in passing. She had an unfortunate hawkish nose that completely dominated her features, and that was what he recognized, not her wide eyes, not her smattering of freckles, but her stubborn, crooked, aquiline nose.

"Hey." She spoke lowly, hushed but strong, and she kept polite distance in the hallway, staying only close enough to keep the door open. "I know you don't know me, but I've seen you around..."

"Yeah," he said, his raspy voice lower than normal. "You here to call me a monster like everyone else?" The bitterness came quick though he tried to swallow it whole. It wasn't aimed at her, not yet at least, but at the voices behind the poisonous whispers. He looked down at his hands when her brow softened, not ready for kindness that he hadn't earned.

"No," she said slowly, chewing on her words with delicate care. "I've only been here a few weeks, but I saw you in the common areas every day up until last week. Maybe I'm just nosy," she said with a soft laugh. He got the feeling that he was supposed to recognize that as a self-deprecating joke, and smiled weakly at his hands. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine," he said automatically, just as he'd said to every counselor, doctor, and instructor that had approached him in the last week and a half. She hovered in the hallway, shifting from one foot to the other, the soft soles whispering on the corrugated iron floor. "Really."

"I'm Mona; Mona Shepard. Just got here about a month and a half ago."

" You're one of the L3s, huh?"

"Yeah. I hear they're a big improvement on the L2s,” she said, making easy conversation as she pressed her hip to the doorjamb. Cool air from the hallway seeped into his room, so he stood and rooted around in his footlocker for a sweatshirt. It was standard issue blue and black, the same kind Mona was wearing, the Conatix logo plastered across the chest. He raked overlong hair that was too curly and too badly behaved out of his eyes after tugging the shirt over his head.

“I’d introduce myself, but I’m sure it’s not necessary,” he said with a weary glance.

“You could anyway.”

“With all due respect," he began, politeness coming automatically. "Why do you even care?”

“Am I not supposed to?”

“You don’t know me.”

“I could.” She had an incredibly persuasive smile, and when she turned to glance down the hallway in response to a scuffling noise he saw an ugly scabbed over wound on the back of her neck. It was new; he could still see where the doctors had removed stitches.

“You said you’ve been here six weeks?” he asked, stepping to his small desk and pulling out the chair. He inclined his head to it before returning to his bed, sitting on the edge with his elbows on his knees. The door slid shut when she walked into the room, and the dimmer light inside made her features hard. She sat straight and proud, and glanced around his bare room before answering him with a belated nod.

“You’re healing pretty slowly, then.” Her hand immediately flew to the back of her neck and her dark eyes narrowed under a heavy brow.

“They keep going back in to check,” Mona said, her tone dipping into exhaustion. “Apparently they had issues with the first L3s being rejected, but since I’m taking to it so well they keep examining it to see if there’s anything they can replicate in later implantations.” She dropped her hand from the back of her neck. “Even with medi-gel I’m going to have a hell of a scar.”

He felt the first twinge of sympathy for her then, and when he looked up from his hands it was so he could meet her eyes. In the dim light they were night sky dark and incomparably strong. He had seen cadets that came after him fall apart within weeks. She would not be one of them.

With a small measure of relaxation, he leaned back on his hands and for the rest of the night they dived into one another’s histories--no secrets, no shame.

II.

The smell of simmering oil and egg overwhelmed the facility while the cooking class--jokingly called survival training by young biotics aware of the hunger that came with using their abilities--put the finishing touches on simple fried rice. Kaidan kept his focus entirely on his pan, not that it was a difficult recipe, but the suspicious whispers and sidelong glances never subsided, making every class an exercise in testing his patience. Cooking class was one of the few times he found himself able to ignore the worst of it, shutting himself up and away from the rest of the room as he put all of his attention into making food he actually wanted to eat.

Someone pulled up a chair near his station and leaned on the clean counter, folding their arms and resting their chin on them. He glanced, and out of the corner of his eyes he saw Mona, cheerful and bright, her right hand wrapped in white bandages. He smiled immediately, feeling compelled to do so, as if Mona's presence was so infectious that he couldn't help himself.

"Did you finish already?" he asked as he returned his attention to his pan, sliding the spatula under the rice to shift it around, keeping it from burning.

"Nope." She wiggled the fingers on her bandaged hand. "I burned myself. Twice. The instructor told me to stop touching things." Mona almost sounded proud of her ineptitude as she watched him cook. From her resting position he could see her implant scar, more healed but still thick and ropy, the skin shiny red.

"You made something to eat at least, right?"

"Nope," she said again, resting her head to the side so she could look up at him from the counter. "I had breakfast and a protein bar, but it looks like I'm skipping lunch."  

"No you're not," he said without thinking. "Go to the fridge and get me some more rice and eggs. And don't touch anything hot," he added, glancing up from his pan to watch her cross the room, winding her way carefully around occupied stations, avoiding red burners and busy students. The half-smile on lips felt natural.

With the rice and eggs she brought, along with extra oil, soy sauce, and a few more handfuls of green onions, there was enough food for both of them. They shared the bowl; Kaidan leaned against the counter and Mona sat on it, passing the bowl down to him when she had a mouthful.

"How bad are the burns?" He asked after watching her balance the bowl carefully between her chest and the curve of her forearm.

"They're all right," she replied, grabbing the edge of the bowl frantically when she reflexively shrugged and nearly dumped it onto the floor. "I put medigel on them, they just ache a little."

"I still can't believe you managed to burn yourself twice." Kaidan took the bowl from her and set it on the counter she wasn't currently occupying. "I hope you're not that clumsy with your biotics."

"I'm not," she said pointedly. When she slid off the counter it was with a frown and a furrowed brow. "But I'm not any good with them anyway, so it doesn't matter."

Kaidan raised a brow. "Someone tell you that?"

"The instructor, the other students," Mona said with a shrug. "The learning curve is supposed to be a lower with the L3s and I'm barely able to lift a one kilo weight." Without looking at him, she shook her head, fixing her attention on the bandage as she unraveled it. Underneath her skin was pink, but healed, the medigel having done its job. "They said they're going to check my implant again." Mona's voice was dark, and it hit Kaidan deep in his chest.

"Hey, I'm sure you're going to be a great biotic, you just need time." With a furtive glance to both sides, noting where the instructors were, Kaidan leaned in, taking her hand, making it look like he was examining her burn. "Conatix is interested in quick results, and they don't care how they get them. If you're not making progress fast enough for them, that's not because there's something wrong with you--it's because their methods aren't working."  

Mona flexed her hand when he let it go, her brow still furrowed. “Thanks. For the food, I mean.”

“Yeah. Of course. Let me know if you have trouble next time. It’s easy to double a recipe.”

“I’ll hold you to that, Alenko,” she said with a smile.

 


	2. Chapter 2

III.

He was missing from the classes and common rooms but Mona Shepard was not surprised. This was how they met, after all. He went missing; she went searching. It was a pattern that had played itself out a dozen times over. He hid and she sought. Except he didn’t hide all that well because he wasn't really trying. His self-imposed sequestration only worked when someone wasn't looking for him, and since she met him his quiet solitude was regularly interrupted by friendly companionship.

Rumors still flew; it was an inevitability born from jamming dozens of teenagers together with nothing better to do than speculate about the private lives of those around them. But for better or worse, the nature of the gossip surrounding Kaidan Alenko had shifted to include Mona Shepard. For that he apologized, regretful that her association with him had made Mona a target as well, and at that she laughed until he realized the absurdity of it all and joined her.

There were three places Mona knew to look for him, all quiet, all tucked in out of the way corners where the only way to find him was to accidentally happen upon him. The first was an unused storeroom near the "survival training" room, the second an actual training room, but only when it wasn't being used for biotic lift lessons. Most likely though, he was in his little bedroom, hiding behind the well sealed door as if it were an impenetrable barrier from the rest of the facility.

She tried his room first, walking quietly down the empty hallway, avoiding the particularly touchy doors that would open when she stepped within a few feet of them. Kaidan's room was at the end of the hall, and she noticed that the light outside it was off. As she neared, she realized that it wasn't just off, but that the fluorescent tube had been unscrewed and placed against the wall. She frowned at the oddity before stepping into the range of Kaidan's door.

It was pitch black inside the room when the metal door slid open, and all Mona could see was a lump on Kaidan's bed and an overturned lamp near the doorway.

"Kaidan?" she softly, convinced that the lump was him, but tentative all the same.

"Close the door." His voice was thin but gruff and Mona hesitated.

"Do you need me to get a doctor?"

"I already saw one. Just close the door."

"Do you want me to go?" she asked quietly, reflexively rubbing the implant scar on the back of her neck, a new nervous habit that only emerged since being brought to Jump Zero.

Kaidan was silent for so long that Mona stepped back out of the doorjamb. "No," he said, so softly that she almost missed it, and she moved into the room. When the door slid shut it blocked out all the light, so she stood stock still and careful, trying not to make extra noise by bumping into anything.

“Do you have a migraine?" she asked, keeping her voice low, knowing it was a pointless question, but one that needed asking. The lump that was Kaidan shifted, mumbled an affirmative answer, and Mona reached out in the darkness to find the wall and lean on it. “Is it a bad one?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?” The wall was cool to the touch and she pressed her back to it, her eyes slowly adjusting to the perfect darkness.

“Could you just stay?” His voice was thin and tired. “You know, if you have a few minutes.”

Able now to see the vague outlines of the furniture, Mona moved to the side of his bed and sat on the hard metal floor. She had of course heard the horror stories about the L2s, mostly muttered snidely behind her back by those resentful about the L3 group getting implants with no side effects. It wasn’t fair, but she never felt any animosity towards them for it, knowing that if she were in the same situation she’d be bitter too.

“Are you sitting on the floor?” Kaidan mumbled after a while, and Mona nodded before remembering he likely couldn’t see her.

“Yeah,” she answered, her voice low and quiet. “I didn’t want to make a bunch of noise by pulling the chair out.” He made a sound halfway between a sigh and a chuckle before shifting again, the soft rustle of fabric and body moving behind her head.

“Just come up here.”

She hesitated. Like all teenage girls she understood the social implications of getting into bed, even platonically, with a male friend. The whispering campaign devoted to coming up with reasons why she and Kaidan were friends had already posited that they were fooling around, or at least that the only reason she hung around him was that she was interested in doing so. She heard them now, the gossipers, unbearably smug, talking around sneers about the pleasure of predicting the future. Like all teenage girls, Mona knew that no amount of secrecy or care could keep information from those who lived on it.

She chose to not care.

"Sound isn't bothering me right now," Kaidan said as she stood, sliding himself back against the wall to make room for her in the small bed. "Just light."

"Is that typical?" she asked. Mona moved slow in the dark, lifting herself to her feet by propping an arm on the side of his bed, then climbing in near the center, sitting close to his back.

“Nothing’s typical but the pain.” She felt him shift against her, turning to face her, his belly pressing to her hip. “Sometimes sound feels like I’ve got a shotgun in my head.”

“That’s horrible.”

“Other kids got it worse. Some didn’t survive the implant procedure.”

“I didn’t know that,” she said slowly.

Mona pulled her legs up onto his bed after kicking off her shoes, taking up as much of the space as he’d give her, which wasn’t much. Instead, he silently coaxed her to lie down with a hand on her shoulder, gently persistent until she laid next to him, head on his pillow. She put an arm under his head to cradle it, and he rested it gently against her chest with a sigh as she ran her fingers through his too-long hair, wrapping curls around her fingers. He was feverish, the back of his neck sweaty, and when she stroked his hair she could feel his jaw clench. Without thought, she pressed her lips to the top of his head, closing her eyes.

“Is there anything I can do?” she asked again.

“Just stay.” He put an arm around her back, his fingers half-clenched on her spine, and she nodded.

Mona never really adjusted to the darkness, so she closed her eyes, and they lay there together in the silence of soft breathing until Kaidan slipped into thankful sleep. As his body relaxed, muscles unknotting and releasing tightly held tension, Mona’s did as well, without realizing she had been as wound up as he was.

After an hour of stillness passed, her fingers went limp and slipped out of his hair as she joined him in deep, peaceful sleep.

IV.

Mona ran down the hallway, ducking past wide-eyed, exuberant biotics, taking an elbow or two to the stomach and nearly bowling over one small girl who didn’t see her coming. She grabbed the wall, took a corner fast, and kept running. Others got out of her way, seeing the blue crackle that ran over her like water. Had an instructor been within view, they would have stopped her, made her realize she was using her biotics for speed, but they were in a meeting, far out of reach of the students.

Mona nearly collided with Kaidan’s door when she reached his room, moving faster than the mechanism that opened it. She stopped herself on the doorjamb, still glowing blue and crackling with ozone, and Kaidan got to his feet immediately, eyes wide, eyebrows high.

“Mona?”

“You ready for the best news of your life?” She asked, the glow of biotics finally winking out as she slowed down and entered his room. Kaidan raised a brow at her, not wary but tentative, having never seen Mona worked up like this before.

“Yes?”

“They’re shutting down brain camp!” She grinned like a madwoman.

“What? But...”

“The turians finally leaned on Conatix hard enough about Vyrnnus’ death, and they’re forcing them to close the facility!” Mona searching Kaidan’s face, looking for that first flare of excitement, confused when she didn’t find it. “Kaidan, we get to go home!”  

“Yeah. Yeah.” he shook his head and sunk down on the side of his bed, raking a hand through his unruly hair.

“Kaidan.”

“You weren’t here, you know?” Kaidan sat back on his hands and looked up at Mona. “When the thing with Vyrnnus went down.”

“Kaidan, it wasn’t your fault.” She sat next to him, a friendly hand on his shoulder, trying to look into his face though he turned it away. “Besides, it’s over and we get to go home.” She repeated the last part slowly, as if he hadn’t heard her before.

“Yeah. Wow, I just...I didn’t expect it to actually happen. Not after how long it’s been.” He rubbed the back of his neck, brows furrowed in thought. Kaidan only smiled half-smiles, and he gave Mona one now. “But you’re right, it’s good news. I can see my family again, and put all of this crap behind me. Hey, maybe you can come visit. Big spaceport in Vancouver.”

Mona opened her mouth, then closed it, a frown planting itself on her lips. “That’s probably not going to be possible,” she said slowly, her voice lowering as she made the realization for herself. “My parents used to live on a space station, but we mostly just go from Alliance ship to ship, depending on where my Dad’s needed.” She laced her fingers and rested her elbows on her knees. “I’ve never even been to Earth.”

“Well, that’s okay. We can keep up on the Extranet.” He put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her in, fondly rubbing her arm.

“Yeah, I guess so,” she said, having lost the enthusiasm that sent her flying through the halls looking for him. That he wouldn’t be there when she left hadn’t even crossed her mind, and she looked at her hands, feeling stupid. “You know, you’re the only friend I’ve had for this long,” she said clumsily, reaching up to rub her face with both hands. “Isn’t that stupid? We just...my family just moves so much, and there aren’t a lot of teenagers on Alliance ships. Half the time I’m the only person there under thirty. It sucks.” She glanced up at him, meeting his warm eyes, finding them too intense to hold and dropping her gaze. “It won’t matter. I’ll be joining the Alliance as soon as I’m eighteen anyway.”

“Is that what you want?” he asked quietly. The grip he hand on her was tighter now, her shoulder pressed into his chest.

“Yeah,” she said tentatively, then repeated it, stronger. “I really do. My Dad’s a hero, and I’ve always looked up to him. I kinda hoped that...this whole training thing would make me stronger, so I could live up to him. My biotics are still really weak compared to everyone here though, so I guess I better learn to use a gun pretty quickly.” She looked up at him, half smiling, and inadvertently bumped her nose into his when he leaned in and pressed his forehead to hers.

“You’ll be perfect, I know you will. Hell, you kept me going when I was ready to give up,” he said softly, in that low rasp, and Mona felt a sudden lump rise in her throat. She set her jaw but it didn’t work. She hiccuped a swallowed sob as tears came to her eyes.

“What the hell are you going to do without me?” She asked, pulling herself from him, forcing a laugh at her failed humor. “Who’s going to sit with your pathetic ass while you’re having a migraine? Huh?”

Kaidan smiled and pulled her back to him, the hand behind her neck over the implant scar, finally healed but still ugly. This time she put her arms around him, pressed her face into his shoulder and forced back the tears, unwilling to let them fall.

It was unclear if she kissed him, or he kissed her. It was more as though the thought was simultaneous and the action immediately followed. It was a clumsy kiss, their noses colliding, hands awkwardly looking for a place to rest before finding a cheek and a shoulder.

The second time they got it right, lips perfectly aligned, Mona’s hawk nose no longer a problem. Mona thrust her fingers into his hair, tangling them in his curls, closing her eyes and just holding him near as he moved his mouth to her cheek, then her ear, sending electric shudders down her spine and her sides.

The rest came in a torrent of motion and whispers and need. They fucked uncertainly, desperately, and rooms with a connection to the ventilation in Kaidan’s could hear Mona muffling cries into Kaidan’s shoulder while he moved atop her, inside of her.

She clung to him, and he held her above water when she felt like she was sinking into herself, into depths she hadn’t known she had.

She had a feeling, when it was over, that it wasn’t _good_ sex, but it was what they needed.

It felt like it should have been awkward, laying with him, sweaty and still and naked, but it wasn’t. He was gentle with her, tracing absent patterns on her stomach until she put her hand on top of his and held it, his arm wrapped around her, his body hot against her back.

They talked quietly, covering up with a blanket when they cooled to the ambient temperature and sweat made them clammy. She told him her fears, even the foolish ones, and he nodded silently, not trying to fix them or tell her they were unfounded.

Mona stayed, and later, with the lights out and the rooms outside silent, they fell together again. The lack of urgency led to exploration, to his head between her legs, hair soft on her thighs, hands on her belly, her breasts, clasped in hers when she arched and buried her face into the pillow to keep quiet.

An instructor, looking for Kaidan when he missed breakfast, found them together early in the morning. Given the circumstances, they rolled their eyes and left, unable to care about protocol when the facility was closing in days.

When the shuttles came, Mona stood outside of the one going to Earth, sad, but not devastated, feeling stronger for it.

“I’ll miss you,” he said, kissing her cheek, and she repeated it to him along with a reminder--more like an order--to write her as soon as he got home. She knew he might not, and for a moment she held him, and there was nothing left to say.

When the shuttle was gone, she sat in the bay watching the space where it was, learning to appreciate the silence.


End file.
